I felt shame for thinking that we (darker women) are somehow in the struggle by ourselves, or that we struggle more even though I know the truth of things, I should know better. To hear fair skinned women say that they were beat up, raped, confused, lost, hurt.. simply because of how they look, it really reminded me we need to think of ourselves as equal! I really do feel like lighter women have more privileges and better chances of finding a mate but what I want to always remember is EVERYONE has their personal struggle. We are still ONE! We need to continue to uplift individualism and encourage people to love themselves. We have to love ourselves!
I felt hurt to hear our black men say that a light woman is a trophy and she is a better choice because she 'looks better'. It made me realize why darker women like myself have stronger personalities. We have to defend ourselves or maybe we only feel we have to defend ourselves... ? If our men don't want us and the world thinks we are bottom tier, then we have to become strong, resilient and sadly.. defensive. But the more defensive we become, the more repelling we become. What a battle. We have so far to go.
PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: In the Cayman Islands where I spent about 8 years of my life I felt this ever present cloud of inadequacy follow me around. It made me that much more 'in your face' sort of to prove that I was worthy. In hindsight, I realize I didn't even realize my own worth, if I did, I wouldn't find it necessary to prove it. The men there, some of them, liked me but behind closed doors sort of because as my ex-'best-friend' would say: "You're not the Cayman prototype." I believe she said that because she thought she was the ideal prototype being of Asian decent realizing that she would get considered pretty in the face by most everyone there because she "has the face and the hair". I felt like my own friend thought she was better than me rather than my equal but I also knew deep down she knew she wasn't. See there is your inner voice and then there is society's. When you're alone at night, you only hear yours. Needless to say that toxic relationship came to an end. The men would seek me out in secret, some of them had their light girlfriends at home. I guess I was a novelty, a token, an attractive flavor to be tried out but not to be kept. Not ONE man on that island pursued a relationship with me. And that is why I remained single. I think I told myself it was by choice because I didn't want to admit the truth. But, that is the truth. No matter the model pics, the nice clothes, the good grades, the independence, the good job, the long weave... I was not being sought after as a girlfriend. Just a sex symbol. I became so scarred that even if someone had good intentions, I would never give them a chance. The token black girl. I have heard so many men say "yeah I'll f-ck a black girl but I wouldn't wife her." I hear these things because I have many male friends. I laugh it off because I was the cool girl but it is really painful to hear what our men truly think of us. I was confused and I thought it meant I had to do twice as much as anyone else to get anywhere. And I did. And I succeeded greatly, my Instagram likes were 'on fleek' and I fit the bill in every aspect except for the colour of my skin and the submissiveness in my personality. STILL, not enough. Now I am not saying everyone is the same but that was my personal experience. I can't speak much for Jamaica because I spent very little time there and when I was there I was too young to be interested in boys. I speak what I know and what I feel. I do know Jamaica is inundated with the self-hate epidemic but I hardly faced any struggles in that aspect as I grew up in a little village with a very small population. My best friend for almost two decades, however, faced a really challenging time growing up as she would get mocked and called 'red gyal'... Come to think I should interview her for my next post!
I felt sad at some parts of this film but I also felt sort of brave (some women, for God knows what reason, hate hearing me speak of myself in a positive, powerful light but that won't stop it. Sorry). I recently started wearing my hair natural and it hasn't been easy at all. I once sort of wanted to be a model, I hardly see any models with puffy, kinky hair. I've heard all my life people saying straight hair is better and men saying they don't want a woman unless he can run his fingers through her hair. But I still went against the status quo. I have some days where I feel like it doesn't look good because you don't get out of 24 years of conditioning in 24 months. I have days I look back at my photos when I was wearing the weave and I feel deep down that I was prettier. I met one of my boyfriend's aunts and when she saw a picture I did at a photo-shoot about 2 years ago she immediately started telling me I should go back to weave because the natural phase I am going through looks OK but the long hair looks better. I looked at her donned in Asian hair, and I felt a world-wind of emotions I cannot even put my finger on it. BUT I have 10 good days for each bad 1! And 10 good people for each nay-sayer so that is enough to keep going! No journey is easy and the journey back to self I think is the hardest. It really hurts to get attacked for speaking about it too, just so all you angry ladies know. I have had women say I am judging them for wearing their hair a certain way simply because I am now embracing mine. They feel I feel I am blacker than they are now because I stopped wearing weaves and relaxing my hair. On the contrary, I am not in competition at all and I wish I could get that point across. We find ANY reason at all to insult, compete and tear each other down rather than congratulate and uplift and it is sad. When I do me it is not to insult but to encourage! I aim to be a revolutionary. I won't sit back and let things happen IF I can change them for the better. I want everyone I can touch with my words to understand that individualism is key. SELF LOVE is the only weapon that can defend us against the harshness of the world. I don't believe I am more in tuned with my blackness than anyone else, there is so much of my history I do not know and because of constantly moving around, I am also battling with identity crisis and a sense of feeling homeless wherever I go. However the silver lining to my cloud is my constant push toward a better me and I hope women who are within the reach of my words can see me and my intentions for what they truly are. Why on earth would I even start an encouragement blog if my aim was to bash people for who they are when everyday I am trying to be who I am?? I am not trying to insult you when I embrace myself. You have no idea how better I feel now, how braver, how confident.. Coming from being the ugly duckling to feeling beautiful in my own skin. I now wear less jewelry, my outfits are less ostentatious as I now prefer and much enjoy and understand the classiness of simplicity. Better yet, I do not feel the need to prove my worth to anyone. I made this transition and didn't even realize it. While my ideals were changing, so was my style. It is a wonderful feeling and I will never stop speaking about it. I want other women to feel that way too!
I did feel hopeful at the end of this video because regardless of the ever present prowess of the media, we are still improving which means that we have stronger minds than we think. More people are seeing people for who they are inside and not outside. More people are embracing their own unique, natural features. More people are going within themselves to find the solution for the problems that WE are now responsible for taking over and perpetuating. It all starts with SELF and more people are realizing that. There is hope yet!
I really found this interesting and I implore everyone to watch. I really dug into the bits of my soul for this blog... whew! Haha. Sharing is caring. I am willing to share my growth experience because several people have told me they needed to hear something I've said. That's far more important to me than the few who want me to shut up!
I pray for nothing but your growth as a better, stronger, more enlightened individual
God bless!!
-cloz<3